Picture Perfect Memories
Picture perfect memories, Scattered all around the floor, Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more And I wonder if I ever cross your mind For me it happens all the time ...
Sometimes we never get closure. That's just life. But life certainly makes it difficult to let go and move on at times.
It has been a year and half now since I lost a good friend. She didn't die, and certainly not that I wish death or anything bad upon her, but simply that death would be easier to deal with, for me anyway. She wasn't a childhood friend, but someone who became extremely close and important in my life. She and I were quite similar in many ways, yet different in others. Our friendship was a true yin and yang. We had girl giggle fests, twisted maniacal thoughts, long comfortable silences, and a shared respect for each other's space. This was someone whom I thought would always be there. A friend I could always count on. Certainly, someone I would always be there for if ever needed.
Always, apparently ends far sooner than expected.
People change. People drift apart. And looking back I suppose that is what started to happen after Allen and I went over the road. My life certainly changed radically. My outlook on life and the world around me changed too. That tends to happen when you go from living a relatively sheltered life to suddenly being thrust into the great big world that for most of your life has been just beyond your reach.
I can only guess that I changed far more than I personally see of myself. So much so, that she felt it necessary to end our friendship. End it without warning. With out a chance for rebuttal. And end it without a chance for closure, for me anyway. I'm sure she has hers.
I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
That has left me alternating between angry, sad, homesick, frustrated, empty, and numb. I don't know if anyone else has ever had to go through an experience like this, losing a close friend unexpectedly. Not by an accident or death, but because they simply chose to walk away leaving you confused and heart broken. But I can tell you from experience, it is not an enjoyable experience.
I don't deal with change well at all. I need a long time to prepare for things like moving, changes in position at a job, change of vacation plans, etc... So waking up one day and having someone whom you felt was a permanent part of your life just suddenly gone completely through me for an unwelcome loop. Most days I'm fine. I have a wonderful life and an amazing, loving man. Still, there are days that I miss my friend. Those days are most often triggered by music, a song that remembers. For days now I've had the memories of a song keeping me stuck in a cycle of heartbreak and melancholy, like the needle of a record player stuck in a scratch of your favorite song.
I know in a few days another song will life my spirits. I'll make new memories, as we always do out on the road.tLife will be happy days and laughing again. But for now I think I'll go poke the bruise and listen to some Lady Antebellum again.
...And I wonder if I ever cross your mind For me it happens all the time